[She watches the screen, her expression carefully blank]
...they weren’t there when... there was too much chaos. Too much danger. By the time anyone realized what had happened, it was too late. Clare tried to kill me. It didn’t help her.
You don’t know. It wasn’t possible to--
Nothing could have stopped it once it started. And it was like the whole world just... my head it’s all-- [Wait. Stop. Reorient. She closes her eyes, and takes a breath.] ...I don’t know if I ever left Anatole. But I feel like I did. For an instant, here, and for years, really. Because I remember cutting Teresa’s head off. And I remember taking Irene’s arm. I remember the North. And when Isley knelt in front of me and promised to give me everything I desired. And when all the lights went out in Pieta. And Raki. And starving. And traveling with Raki because Isley made us leave him to die.
I remember everything, and my head is so... it was full of thoughts and puzzle pieces and people kept attacking me, and no one understood.
[She tips her head a little.]
But I didn’t kill anyone.
It was two weeks.... I think. After the statue had gone silent and things had become normal again, it took a while for Orihime to turn me back. I still don’t know why she did. If someone asked her to. But she turned me back into this... thing.
[....more silence. She keeps staring at her hands]
No. I’m not okay.
I hate... being afraid. I hate that people can hurt me, even if it’s just a few people. I hate having two lives and only one head, and only one me. And I hate feeling fragile. I hate feeling like I’m made of glass. I hate... that I can’t do the things I know I’m supposed to be able to do. I hate that I can’t fly. And that I’m so slow. I feel...
Nobody likes being weak, you know? But we all are, one way or another. We still deal with it. And you're a hell of a lot less weak than most, so don't act like you're so delicate now. You'll be fine.
I mean, unless you really think bein' a tough guy's worth giving up your humanity for, huh? Not to mention the diet.
...anyway. The war ended. That was... a month and a half ago. And then people started vanishing. Zack, Naruto - didn’t you call him Canary, once? In the beginning?
I haven’t been paying attention as much as I should have been. I guess I’ve been too distracted by me.
Elena. She’s the longest term resident. And then me. And then you.
When I told Elena, she said she had to get some things done before she disappeared, too. I have to admit... sometimes I feel the same way. And then I think about what would happen if I were gone. The Patrol would be okay, I know. Arthur would take care of that, and Riza.
But Isley. I worry... about what would happen with him. What he’d do.
[She rubs her face, keeping her eyes off the screen.]
As long as Raki is here, it’ll probably be all right, but...
...anyway. Oh! And then the dating happened again. I mean, the blind date. Thing.
Yes. Everyone came out intact. Arthur couldn’t hurt Isley even if he tried. and Isley wouldn’t hurt Arthur. He-- [She bites her bottom lip, because this will never not be a bit awkward.] --he still restrains himself when it comes to people like Arthur. [People close to her. Then again...] ...actually, he’s pretty restrained in general.
So, yes. They were both, um, successful at living through it.
And so was Clare.
I promised Helen that if Clare came after me again I wouldn’t kill her. One time.
….but Clare is gone now, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
I don’t think so. I don’t... think there was anyone else you knew, really. But... there were a lot of people. I can’t really be sure.
[She pulls the cat closer, hiding her face behind its ears.]
And I’m not sure how much more history there is. Right now, the city is doing that... thing where people turn into younger versions of themselves again. [Here she tips her head a bit, peeking out from behind the cat’s ear.] Do you remember last time? You turned into a heroic law enforcement agent, and we--
[...definitely awkward. But to his credit, he tries not to show it too much.]
Yeah, I remember. Some hero, hidin' my lame ass in a cave the whole--
[WAIT NO that's uncomfortable too, isn't it.]
Anyway, I noticed everyone else gettin' their dose of crazy. Asellus asked me to take her to see ghosts. Like I even know where the fuck to find those things. I'm not a goddamn babysitter.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Video
...they weren’t there when... there was too much chaos. Too much danger. By the time anyone realized what had happened, it was too late. Clare tried to kill me. It didn’t help her.
You don’t know. It wasn’t possible to--
Nothing could have stopped it once it started. And it was like the whole world just... my head it’s all-- [Wait. Stop. Reorient. She closes her eyes, and takes a breath.] ...I don’t know if I ever left Anatole. But I feel like I did. For an instant, here, and for years, really. Because I remember cutting Teresa’s head off. And I remember taking Irene’s arm. I remember the North. And when Isley knelt in front of me and promised to give me everything I desired. And when all the lights went out in Pieta. And Raki. And starving. And traveling with Raki because Isley made us leave him to die.
I remember everything, and my head is so... it was full of thoughts and puzzle pieces and people kept attacking me, and no one understood.
[She tips her head a little.]
But I didn’t kill anyone.
It was two weeks.... I think. After the statue had gone silent and things had become normal again, it took a while for Orihime to turn me back. I still don’t know why she did. If someone asked her to. But she turned me back into this... thing.
[she looks at her palms, and doesn’t look up.]
Video
What are you talkin' about? You're you. I mean, you're weird and all, sure, but it's not the worst thing in the world, is it?
[He is eying her.]
Don't tell me you'd rather be like that guy. Like Riful.
Re: Video
...I don’t know.
[she flexes her fingers.]
Please don’t tell anyone.
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[But it's still. A little disquieting.]
You okay?
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No. I’m not okay.
I hate... being afraid. I hate that people can hurt me, even if it’s just a few people. I hate having two lives and only one head, and only one me. And I hate feeling fragile. I hate feeling like I’m made of glass. I hate... that I can’t do the things I know I’m supposed to be able to do. I hate that I can’t fly. And that I’m so slow. I feel...
[She presses her lips together. Hard.]
I feel weak.
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Nobody likes being weak, you know? But we all are, one way or another. We still deal with it. And you're a hell of a lot less weak than most, so don't act like you're so delicate now. You'll be fine.
I mean, unless you really think bein' a tough guy's worth giving up your humanity for, huh? Not to mention the diet.
Do you?
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I don’t know.
Humanity doesn’t have the lure that it used to.
...anyway. The war ended. That was... a month and a half ago. And then people started vanishing. Zack, Naruto - didn’t you call him Canary, once? In the beginning?
I haven’t been paying attention as much as I should have been. I guess I’ve been too distracted by me.
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[It'd been a while, but he says it reflexively. And then rakes his fingers through his hair.]
Droppin' like flies, huh? Shit, that's all the people who were here the longest. That only leaves...
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When I told Elena, she said she had to get some things done before she disappeared, too. I have to admit... sometimes I feel the same way. And then I think about what would happen if I were gone. The Patrol would be okay, I know. Arthur would take care of that, and Riza.
But Isley. I worry... about what would happen with him. What he’d do.
[She rubs her face, keeping her eyes off the screen.]
As long as Raki is here, it’ll probably be all right, but...
...anyway. Oh! And then the dating happened again. I mean, the blind date. Thing.
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...wait, dating thing? You don't mean-- that crap with the strings and shit? Oh gimme a break, what the hell?
[...]
So who'd you get stuck with?
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Tseng. ...and Clare.
….....and Arthur got Isley.
[HE ALWAYS DATES HER DATES.]
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[Well now Senji just starts laughing.]
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[...]
They both did, right?
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So, yes. They were both, um, successful at living through it.
And so was Clare.
I promised Helen that if Clare came after me again I wouldn’t kill her. One time.
….but Clare is gone now, so I guess it doesn’t matter.
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[Not that he'd known Clare, really. But she'd been one of those Someones he was aware of, when she was around. And now she was gone too.]
Listen, before we move on with the history lesson, is there anyone else missing I should know about?
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[She pulls the cat closer, hiding her face behind its ears.]
And I’m not sure how much more history there is. Right now, the city is doing that... thing where people turn into younger versions of themselves again. [Here she tips her head a bit, peeking out from behind the cat’s ear.] Do you remember last time? You turned into a heroic law enforcement agent, and we--
[....awkward.]
...w-well. I guess this time you’re unaffected.
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Yeah, I remember. Some hero, hidin' my lame ass in a cave the whole--
[WAIT NO that's uncomfortable too, isn't it.]
Anyway, I noticed everyone else gettin' their dose of crazy. Asellus asked me to take her to see ghosts. Like I even know where the fuck to find those things. I'm not a goddamn babysitter.
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In that orphanage anyway.
[much better topic.]
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Yeah... you're right. They got those freaky kids there, don't they? And I haven't been out that way for a while.
...Haven't been out any way for a while, I guess. Hey!
You still owe me a dead cat... thing. Didn't forget, did you?
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I didn’t forget.
Are you free right now?
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As a fucking bird.
Speakin' of which, I also wanna see that stupid parakeet or whatever the hell you named after me. If it sucks I'm giving it a new name. No arguments.
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[She angles the Forge so that the camera catches the somewhat-far-away bird cage.]
[Not that it helps, since he can’t see it. Well.]
...but you can come over if you want. I’ll introduce you. I don’t think finches are supposed to talk... and yet, it does.
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A lot.
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